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[24 Mar 2009|08:53pm] |
my bones were broken. my heart was crushed. my consciousness was left neatly folded in the closet.
I survived something close to death.
and today i feel good about being around and alive, and having survived.
I think this lj may make a comeback.
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[11 Feb 2008|08:29pm] |
Its been a long run. but I'm going to finally end this journal.
I've grown beyond these posts and all the things i used to write in here.
Its helped to vent about a lot of things but i think that at this point its just come to an end.
I will leave this place on a happy note.
A happy ending, if you will.
I love him.
It's not going to change.
I'm going to spend my life with him, and I've never been more certain about anything.
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[15 Dec 2007|04:27pm] |
( a night in pictures )
it pretty much sums up a lot of things.
drinking does bad things to you.
learn to control yourselves kids.
in other news billiam is amazing, and no one can keep me warm quite like he does. :)
life is good, it just needs some minor tweaking.
i dont want this to end, and right now it feels like its never going to <3
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[01 Dec 2007|02:36pm] |
Good Christ when is the last time I wrote anything on here?
It’s been a while, and I feel like my life has just been a lot of hard work and everything is happening so fast all around me but as the world is whizzing by, every move I have been making is in slow motion.
As lj tradition has had it i'm going to start with the fact that I met a boy.
A cute boy
He goes to Drexel, but is transferring to county so he will be around my way a lot more.
We had a first date the other night, I picked him up at his dorm, and we went to Starbucks (fagsiknow). The air out side was so cold, and threw layers we had on just didn’t suffice, so when we decided to head outside, it was not for long. The conversation was solid and the smile on his face made me melt a little on the inside. In a lot of ways we are like each other reflected in different periods of our lives. The things that differentiate us keep us talking, and on our feet. We walked down south, heading to an idea of where to go, and I suggested my apartment. now normally I wouldn’t do this, because when you bring a gay man(with genitals) home with you on a first date you pretty much have just set your self up for a night of disaster, very sexy disaster. The thought crossed my mind, but something told me this might be different.
For as good as I am at reading people, there must have been a frequency scrambler between the two of us, because his moves were unpredictable.
We got back to my place and had hot steamy boy sex you wish, played video games and watched TV. Somehow we ended up laying in my bed talking and listening to music. I wanted to kiss him so badly every time our noses brushed, or our knees collided. IT TOOK HIM FOREVER, but he kissed me, and then kissed me again, and again again again again and again. <3
We fell asleep having procrastinated too much about when to drive him home. amazingly he didn’t even cop a feel. Our clothes didn’t even come off. It just felt more like a solid feeling rather then a sexual drive.
Want to know a secret about me?
If I kiss you, watch my eyes. For whatever reason, when I kiss people I have no feelings for I watch their lips, but if some feeling is driving my lips I study their eyes. I suppose this makes sense though. If something I do is sexually driven I want to be viewed as less than human, and more of an object. A sex object. Fuck me. Get me off. Get out.
So many people can never tell the difference with me but that’s how.
That being said, I don’t think I’ll have that problem if things remain stable with bill, that’s his name by the way.
I’ll find a heart inside his shell, and hold it tight, make it my own, and perhaps I’ll too be able to love again.
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[07 Nov 2007|08:52pm] |
i just started to tear up.
i wanna talk about it, and explain to you so badly everything im feeling, but the thing is, its a feeling. as well as i could put it into words, it seems to be one that is just better felt and not told. i will say this, that sometimes things we love cant be saved, but perhaps not saving them is the best thing we could have done. perhaps not saving them is what lets them suffer, and from their suffering they stick out and show us another piece of the bigger picture we didnt see before.
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[23 Oct 2007|08:26pm] |
hey.
i'm drunk.
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[20 Oct 2007|03:36pm] |
fuck man.
Last night was one hell of a ride. things have been a little amiss lately, its all been part of the rising action if you will, but things finally hit a climactic point. Eric is a piece of shit. no i take that back, he's not a piece of shit, as much as i would like to label him that he is a sweet kid, or i wouldn't have had a thing for him in the first place. he is very immature and extremely selfish. somewhere under that is a sweet kid, with soft lips and a very misguided heart. He is going to get back together with his ex...story of my life.
boys that have left me for/cheated on me with an ex:
matt
eric
bryan
andrew
tommy...
listing them isn't going to prove anything.
its a shame because most of the people that have done so have been the people i liked the most, or saw the most potential with, but i suppose potential only gets you so far.
i sat in my room, hungry and frustrated
so i went to the kitchen and heated up some food, made myself a
martini
it was good but didnt help, i
didnt
even finish it. i ate and sat and talked to a few friends,
hours passed.
i asked a friend to go to the movies he said,
no.
he shut me down.
again
shutdown.
shutdow
n
shutdo
wn
shutd
dow
shut
down.
i wanted to sleep. i went into the bathroom, and opened up my sample pack of ambient, i took one, and climbed into bed. everything on my mind was not just on it but climbing into it, picking at it. i couldnt sleep, my body wouldn't let me sleep, it was taunting me. making me see and feel everything that was wrong, reminding me to look around and see just how empty the room was.
"Can't you see brandon, look what your doing. you say you want to get better, to loose weight, to quit smoking but look at yourself. open your eyes."
she stood there starring at me arms open and at her sides, eyes burning in sincerity. her words hit hard. like a cement brick. all i could say was 'i know, i know...'
i stood up out of bed and my limbs felt weighted. i walked to the bathroom and stared at myself, wide awake i opened the cabinet and dug out another pill.
i cut it in half, and took half.
i took the other half.
i layed back in bed.
my mind softened, yet i was still awake. my body heavy and warm sunk into the bed, yet my eyes wouldn't stay closed, only blurred. my mouth felt dry. With great effort i sat up and made my way out of bed. i stood in the door way, holding on to the molding, i took a step.
i found my eyes at level with the carpet, my body in pieces lying on the floor. without looking i saw hinges where my joints should have been. hard binding plastic where soft skin should have laid. my eyes had become stoic and made of glass. doll parts.
i became lost in my delerium and sunk into a world much like a dream. my blood was cold but my body was burning with fever. my lips were purple and useless and my body ran hard away from the dark reality as my mind chased it furiously. from the inside i pounded on the barriers of my imagination trying to reach out to the world around me. in translation i reached for my phone, found my way to the contacts list and watched as the letters all melted together into nothing.
i blacked out.
it was all like a lucid dream, i was awake and living but the things i saw were a projection of my imagination. the more i think about it and try to retell the things i saw, the memory escapes me much like that of a dream.
in my dreamworld, i stood there reaching up for a ladder trying to make my way away from the wicker nest below me. the twigs crept up the wall and scratched at my arms and legs as i climbed up ward, the branches were warm and burned as they touched. drops of water blessed my forehead as they fell from the icy tunnel above. the tunnel led me to a cavern. the walls, the ceilings the floors all composed of ice, the most intricate patterns dispersed the light around me as i stood mesmerized by everything trying to take it in.
for a moment i lost my words.
then a voice carried in through the walls, all though very much muffled as if submersed in water. i watched the branches crept across the floor and surrounded my ankles dragging me into black.
i woke up in my bed. refreshed. comfortable. lisa sat over my her hand on my hand. she asked if i was ok. her voice was kind, more so than usual. i told her i was. she asked if i had work i told her i did. she asked if i was sure that i was ok, i scaled the room, and told her i was fine.
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[12 Oct 2007|10:51am] |
i never thought that people could loose their light, that glow that initially draws you toward them. i guess thats whats been holding me back is seeing peoples potential rather that taking them for what they are.
ive learned a lot lately.
i think i need to make the best out of what i have, and im going to.
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[06 Oct 2007|12:47am] |
a very drunken eric called me tonight very upset. he apologized for a lot of shit, told me that he was sorry for cheating on me that he was just in a really fucked up place in his life then. told me that i if we had been dating any other time, that we'd probably still be together. that i was one of the greatest boy friends he had ever had, yet he fucked it up, and i would never know how sorry he was, and how much he regretted it.
i didn't say much back, what do you say back? i just left it at "Ok."
bryan once told me something similar, and that if he hadn't of fucked up we would have still been together, i guess it hit home more when bryan said it because of how much he had meant to me.
if im so great then why am i still alone?
how do you trust someone who has betrayed you?
in all honesty, im at a point in my life where the fucked-up-ness in the inside finally matches the picture on the outside.
what the fuck.
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[02 Aug 2007|01:33am] |
today was really rough, its 1:30 in the am and im still not sleeping, i need to be up at 4am to go back to work....
i feel so vacant lately.
tonight as i was driving home i became consumed with everything going on, the lack of money i have the lack of boys in my life, the rent that needs to be paid, and with everything on my mind i passed my exit off the highway and ended up in township...
luckily i knew where i was. i took some back roads home, lit a cig, and turned up the cat power. i focused in on everything around me as i rested my head on my hand. i was driving through corn fields but it wasn't until i looked up at the stars that i started feeling sentimental about andrew. it sucks he just dropped off the face of the earth but its not like people didn't warn me...
Other Andrew called me. i don't understand why he thinks he can just call me and pretend like nothing has happened. i dont know what to say to him, im not sure i even have anything to say to him. part of me misses having him around, but majorily most of me is still turned off by the whole weekend he spent with me and everything that happened.
i am in disarray...
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[04 Jul 2007|08:36pm] |
eim laying alone in bed, the lights are dim, there are dozens of explosions in the distance. im alone. im sad. i feel dead, more than dead, less than alive, in limbo. what the fuck am i doing, who am i? why cant i just be myself? fuck.
im bleeding in places i cant stop, places i cant reach, the wounds are deep. wounds. im covered.
i can't cry, i never can.
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[02 Jul 2007|10:42am] |
today i was driving to my apartment office to officially sign the lease for our new place, i passed a bar and i thought to myself "soon enough," i thought about how i would be turning 20 in september, and wait a min, im turning 19...wtf. i realized in so many ways my birthdays have been confused on a certain level so i always feel a year older to the point i believe i am. i seriously thought hard about how i was turning 20, i feel 20, i act 20, i swear that a year is missing out of my life. i feel like a year is missing somewhere, blacked out and lost, yet still very preeminent in everything i do.
i think i also tend to rely on romance far more than i should. im not sure what it is in my life that leads me directly to it but when its there its amazing. and when its gone, its oh so gone. i think i've had enough perfect little moments in my life where i know what love feels like, and a few really big ones where i am reminded i really know.
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[21 Jun 2007|01:50pm] |
separate yourself from lies
just separate yourself from lies
separate yourself from lies
just separate yourself from lies
you'll find somewhere that you can hide
you'll find somewhere that you can hide
just separate yourself from lies
separate yourself form lies
i cant find my way into your mind
i cant find my way inside your mind
we'll separate ourselves from lies
we'll separate ourselves from lies
we'll find a place that we can hide
we'll find a place that we can hide
ill find my way to get inside your mind
ill find a way to let you inside mine
we'll find a place that we can hide
away from all those guilty little lies
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[13 Jun 2007|08:42pm] |
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In the night we were stripped of our faces by the dark sky, our lips dimly lit by the cigarettes burning from the tips of our fingers. Although we were strangers for the most part to each other, we spoke with open hearts, ourselves becoming our words, and our lips becoming mangled with the others dispite the fact in plain sight we were barely touching.
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[11 Jun 2007|06:41pm] |
i make myself sick with this non-sense i put myself through, on the one hand i have every right to be picky, i have dealt with enough of my family treating me like shit to the point that if i am going to let anyone in my life i have to know they are good. i need to be sure they are going to be there for me.
i keep getting sick with the feeling of how alone i am, and the more i think about it and dwell on the emptiness the more i really do find myself alone. today at a meeting for work, my boss was going on about how if you really believe in something that you will project that belief and it will become you. right now im projecting solitude, and having everything or nothing rather, to show for it. its whatever.
i wish i could force myself to believe there was hope and that there is a boy out there who will melt my heart into a pool of matter and reshape its mangled broken body back to the way it was. until then ill wait here.
i cant wait till i move into my apartment.
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[06 Jun 2007|09:28am] |
i make choices for myself, i do things for myself. i find ways to make myself happy. i dont need to justify the fact that i dont have a void, but in all honesty i dont feel bad that jon wood is going to die alone cause he is a stuborn bitter old man at the age of 18. its whatever.
i finally have a life of my own.
thats all i need.
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[29 May 2007|11:06am] |
so after a very long weekend, i have a very strange dream. last night i dreamt of this boy i know who i think is absolutely adorable, i love every thing about him from his smile, to the way he hugs me when we say good bye. i love talking to him and i know i could talk forever to him if he'd let me.
he doesnt though.
i always find myself with a lack of words to rationalize the things i feel, or rather have endured this past weekend, i think im going to make a list.
saturday
work
close
full staff
philly
andrew
kisses
snuggling
lusting
kissing
loving
sleeping
waking
kissing
talking
upset
manhunt
solitude
distrust
we'll work it out
andrew
sunday
no work
andrew
errands
my mother
tears
an empty house
steffi
food
lisa
weed
pool
andrew
alcohol
swiming
towels
sex
anger?
wtf
drunk dialing ex boyfriends
manhunt
wtf
andrew
where is he
where is his drink
upstairs
go away
fine
downstairs
movie?
doesnt work
upstairs
come on andrew
go away
come on
no
negativity
now.
ok
movie
sleep
snuggle
pushed away
your in my bed
dont push me
fuck it.
silence
ignorance
wake up
quiet
work
andrew
train
work
no ones there
everyone leaves
me
work
work
work
work
work
work
work
eight hours
two and a half hours
leave
andrew
single
alone
happy
no risk
lisa
weed
pool
sleep
dream
panera
house
friends
murderer
where?
outside
noo
he wouldnt
huh?
garrett
garrett
melts
dont
inside
hugs
kissing
no killing
love
happiness
wake up.
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[18 May 2007|08:11pm] |
today was a strange day. i had my manager review done the other day, i knew it wasnt going to be the best. at some point this week i realized that i have lost sight of who i am. i was watching my self chain smoke out of my car window as i drove home, thinking about how fucked up i had been the night before. i dont know what crossed my mind first, the cigarettes, the weed, the sex, or the fact that i have been totally veging out at work. perhaps they all hit at the same time. i dont know who i am. i have been feeding off of my vices like a parasite ignoring the direction my life has been diving.
today at work i went in, grasped my surroundings, and did everything in my power to run the store. lunch ran so smoothly. i felt i did a really good job. i was proud of myself, after lunch, things started to slip out of my grasp. when the night crew fell into place and things got caught up, i went to go take trash out with this kid steve and he noticed the tire on his car was flat. i told him i would help him change it now so he wouldnt have to do it at ten at night as he was leaving. we started to jack up the car, then we couldnt get the spare off the underside of the car, it took 4 employees to come help us and after a half an hour we still couldnt do it. steve and i tried some more but eventually gave up. when i went beck inside lisa the other manager and my future roommate and close friend was pissed.
she flipped out on me. i felt so bad. i felt bad because a i had failed, then i felt worse because b i had failed her.
i apologized and told her id take the blame for anything that went wrong, i caught up everything in the store and left.
on my drive home i still felt terrible, i realized i made the decision to help steve and put that decision over the store because for some reason helping a person in need come first in my mind always. but also failing to do so upsets me so much more.
the more i though about the situation which may have just been a minuscule episode at work the more i realized that i worry more about people and principles and being humane then i should, or perhaps thats just what i do. i dont know how to put it all into words exactly but basically i think i know what i want to do with my life. something just clicked. im not going to say anything about it until i find out more, but i just wanted to say that today a piece of my life just fell into place.
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[17 Apr 2007|04:42pm] |
dec 7th 2005:
perplexed beats: hdfjkhhkasgh
muppetNAMBLA55: dkfskdgf
perplexed beats: good youre still on!
muppetNAMBLA55: <3
perplexed beats: omg
perplexed beats: ok
perplexed beats: so i was really depressed
perplexed beats: cause i was really into this boy
perplexed beats: and its like the first time in forever that i have felt like this
muppetNAMBLA55: right
perplexed beats: and im all giggly and giddy which is really gay and lame
perplexed beats: but let it be
perplexed beats: so like
perplexed beats: i thought he didnt like me
perplexed beats: and he called me friday and was all like i cant hang out cause im going to hang out with my ex and like yeah
perplexed beats: so tonight i was kinda upset
perplexed beats: because i thought that he didnt like me any more
muppetNAMBLA55: but he LOVES you1?
perplexed beats: but tonight when he called me and i threw my phone on the floor
muppetNAMBLA55: haha yea that was silly
perplexed beats: he left a message and it was all like "i have been thinking about you all day and i really wanted to call you but blah blah blah"
perplexed beats: so i called him back and we basically just talked for like 2 hours
perplexed beats: and he told me he really wanted to kiss me
muppetNAMBLA55: awww yay
perplexed beats: and that he keeps thining about it and kissing me
perplexed beats: and pop tents
perplexed beats: and bareback mountain
perplexed beats: and thank fucking god he's not actually a virgin
perplexed beats: and that all probably makes no sense
perplexed beats: but god i am so happy!
perplexed beats: :D
i wish i could feel like that again.
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[11 Apr 2007|06:10pm] |
today i bought some bitching aviators. really i just needed sunglasses. im kinda dissapointed that they arent gold.
i also bought a planet terror poster of rose mcgowan. i love her. i love her naked also :) and also with a gun on her leg.
grinddhhouuusseee so good :)
ok so anyway i loveee NOTHING.
i made a dance/electronica mix it makes me feel stary-eyed. i have come to realize i am really good at being high. i pick the best food, music, and things to do. i'm thinking we should have a dance party. like maybe just a few of us, where we just dance in silence! hahha with music of course. in my living room of course.
tomorrow i am going to dc to go to the holocaust museum, will god hate me if i go stoned?
hmmmmmm
i have to drive my mother and brother down there tonight. they better let me listen to music.
friday im getting my hair cut and new highlights. i wanna get some bandana's and also go to a museum, and hang with henry andrew watterson :P anddddd whatever.
i need a new job anyone hiring?
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